good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
did i just pee glitter
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
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