Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
