I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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