He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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