I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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