I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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