The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
