when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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