My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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