sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
