I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
