Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
