the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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