I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Randomize
