I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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