Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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