I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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