dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
