you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
It's rum buckets o'clock
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
