Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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