I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize