Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
So many bounce houses so little time
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
