What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize