new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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