I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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