I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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