I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize