It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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