I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize