took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize
