i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
My vagina is officially offended.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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