The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
false alarm, still single
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
