Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
