I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
