"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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