She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I wish you could order shots online.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
