i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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