Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
