I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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