I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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