I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
