Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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