I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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