I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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