I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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