I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
