So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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