Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize