so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
