I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
