Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
