dude i'm inner monologue high
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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