how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
