right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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