The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
