omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
