Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
