couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
