he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
