Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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