No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
