Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Randomize