i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
