Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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